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Training the chicken to cross the road...
(author unknown)

Pavlov:
...we fed the chicken on the opposite side of the road
each day at 4-pm until the chickens autonomic system
actually began causing the chicken to cross the road at
4-pm without even questioning -why-.

B.F. Skinner:
...on prior occasions when the chicken voluntarily crossed
the road, this behavior was followed immediately by a
reinforcing consequence.

Cesar Milan:
I bullied, chased, poked, and intimidated the chicken
until it raced across the road, because I am a strong
leader!

Barbara Woodhouse:
You just say *Walkies* with the right accent and place
a crumpet on the other side of the road.

Karen Pryor:
...by associating R+ with road crossing and P- with
standing still, with a VR schedule, and offering a reward
in keeping with the Premack principle, we increased the
intensity and frequency of the road crossing behavior.

Bill Koehler:
...a few well-timed pops on the choke chain and the chicken
was happy to cross the road.

Nicholas Dodman:
I gave the chicken fluoxetine, sertraline, paroxetine,
carbamazepine, and azapirone and then it was happy to
cross the road.

Patti Ruzzo:
I crossed the road, pausing every step to spit a treat out
of my mouth like a human pez-dispenser, and the chicken
followed along, catching the treats.

Electric Collar Advocate:
...whenever the chicken does not cross the road I give it
an electric shock. But do not worry, the shock is no more
than you would feel if you walked on a carpet wearing socks
and it does not bother the chicken at all.
The feathers standing up and the smell of burning flesh mean
nothing. In fact, they are happier having nice clear
communication than they would be otherwise.

Yuppie:
...chickens are just like little people in feather jackets,
and if you love them and give them diamonds and feel sorry
for them all the time, they will be happy to cross the road
for you.

Paris Hilton:
Because I put it in a Gucci bag and carried it.

Shelter director:
Any chickens that do not cross the road will be euthanized
for their own good; the others we will adopt-out tomorrow
for only $200 each. Please send us money so we can keep
doing more of this important work!

HSUS member:
I do not know anything about animals, I have never been around
animals and am not really fond of animals, but we passed a law
mandating that chickens be kept without cages because animals
belong only in the wild and cannot be happy coexisting with man,
so now they are walking wherever they want.

PETA member:
...chickens have the right to live in world without roads.
Any chicken that lives within a hundred miles of a road is
suffering an inhumane existence and might eventually be hit
by a car, so we should kill it today to ensure that
it does not die tomorrow